I'm 27 and have been married for 4 years to a man that I love very deeply. Our first real date was going to a church service together and he really seemed to be a true Christian. We got married after 6 months and things went downhill from there.
I quickly found out that he had a serious pornography addiction (so much so that our physical relations were practically nonexistant). We fought for months until he got help for it. But in the mean time he broke my trust on several occasions by lying to me. I don't believe in divorce so I stood strong. But now we're separated because he changed his mind about wanting to ever have children with me (he wanted them when we first got married but when he changed careers from the air force to physics he decided that he should devote his time to that instead)...
What can I do?? My dream is to have a family and it kills me to think about a childless existence. I want to do God's will but don't know what that isI need some sage advice from people that have been married for a while!?
Pray constantly. Pray that God will open your husband's eyes to see what once was important to him, will once again resurface. Also seek counseling. God gives us many tools in our daily lives to make it through what life throws at us. Seeking counseling, is one of those tools. Stay in His word, and ask Him to heal your marriage. If your husband does not want to go to counseling, you go anyway. You set the example, and pray that your husband will follow. You need someone to help you sort through this, so that you are able to make the wisest decision as to what to do. If you put in 100%, no matter the outcome, YOU will know you gave this matter your all. Look to the Lord first and foremost, for daily strength and guidance. Wishing you the best.I need some sage advice from people that have been married for a while!?
I think you need help from a professional and marriage guidance counselling
If you have a church that you regularly attend, and since you seem to be a devote Christian, my suggestion to you is to talk to your pastor as he would be somebody that knows you and your issues personally.
If you are looking for ALL opinions, and have strong stomach for a few idiots, then you have come to the right place as Y!A is full of 'proffesionals' and I pray for you.
Welcome to the Lion's Den.
Speak to your minister and ask for advice and councelling. If he won't go, then I would consider a divorce.
If porn is an overriding issue to the extent you've presented, my opinion is that a chance for a good marriage is very remote. I've been married for 40 plus years and can't see the wife having to deal with a porno issue in additon to ';normal'; sexual as well as ';bonding';, family, financial,Christian mores, and other situations that occur in marriage.
Porn can replace you in all aspects and needs to be completely erradicated to make your love grow to a union that God meant it to be. My opinion is to let the ol boy work it out for himself and not drag down your union.
Being into Porno like this actually replaces reality with this type of entertainment. The people into this live their lives in a false sense.
If he's not interested in help, there's nothing you can do, I would suggest you leave this relationship and look for something else.
While I will admit I am not married I have been in several very long relationships. I currently cohabitate with my boyfriend of many years.
Having children has to be a joint decision. While at some points in a relationship or career it might not be the ideal time to have a child, I can definitely understand your hurt feelings if he acts as if he never wants to have children with you. It sound as if he is trying to push you away. If he is, consciously or unconsciously, by neglecting your needs, sexual affection, and children for 2, then I hope you will realize that God wants you to be fullfilled and content and glad to be where you are. If these are not just your husband's ';right now I'm not ready'; growing pains then I would suggest praying and thinking hard about your future, and talk to your husband about what he does see your future being like (the two of you together), does he have a vision? If he does, does he care about having those things in it that are important to you, does his vision depress you, and does it make you feel depressed if he is not wiling to budge on the children issue. I'm afraid if you give in to his vision and it does not take your needs into account you will grow to be a sour and cold woman, bitter and envious of those that have what you do not. I am confidant that what you want can be, but you will have to stand up for yourself, and if your husband is not willing to have a SHARED life in your future than he is not respecting you and that will never stop hurting.
The Bible says not to be unevenly yoked.That can mean on many levels.The Bible states that you should get a decree of divorce for adultery.Get some counseling from your pastor.He deceived you.Pray about it and it will all clear up....
Everyone is writing you a book--life is short and you need to get out of the one you are in. Soon you will notice phone bills for over a thousand dollars for on line sex. Life is short please make sure you get yours in order. God will sort it all out later.
This one's probably not going to get better. Please don't have children with this man! My husband (now ex) watched porno all day while I was working %26amp; started to think that all women, including me were like the sluts in the films. When I wouldn't act like that (walk in %26amp; give him oral sex, for example) he became angry, to the point of violence %26amp; assumed I was doing it elsewhere, meaning I was a slut, but wouldn't do it for him. I WAS WORKING! The violence escalated %26amp; I was lucky to escape with my life.
Joon, I have been with my husband for 48years and we
have been married for 42 of them so I think I know what
it takes to stay married.
Please, please, please don't even consider bringing children
into this relationship. It may fulfill your need but what about
them. Do they deserve a father like him, does his pornography habit run to pedophilia could you ever trust
it not to.
This marriage is doomed, he lied to you from the beginning
so the contract between you both and god is null and void.
You have been given some very good advice here, the
best is from heathernhoney, she talks sense and puts it
better than I ever could. Get out, start again and fulfill your
dream with a man who is out there waiting for you.
Why are you still with this man? He has deceived you from day one, he, in fact, is not the man you married. You married the man he pretended to be, therefore the vows he made were a sham. He forgets to mention his porn addiction, then decides he has changed his mind about having the family you desperately want, yet you still want to save your marriage? He is not worthy, you are worth more, it is not God's will that you waste your precious life hanging around for this jerk to get his act together. Were he a decent human being he would have dealt with his ussues before he married you. You owe him nothing, file for divorce and move on with your life. Good luck. x
He was not truthful with you when you got married. Unfortunately, you married after only knowing him for six months so you found out what he was really like after you were married. Had you dated longer you likely would have seen his real self and not married him. I believe you should get a divorce since it is not fair to you to stay with him under these circumstances and be deprived of having children. Give yourself the chance to meet the right person for you in the future.
I would talk to my husband and have him talk to your pastor, tell him how you feel and if he doesn't straighten up;get a separation from him, that might Wake him up. Good Luck and God Bless You for trying to stick to your marriage vows
Marriage is a team effort. You stated that you want the marriage to work because you love him very much. What does he want? Is he trying to make the marriage work by getting help for his addiction? Advice to you lies within the answer to this question. Perhaps he doesn't want children because his struggles are deeper than you know?
What do you want to do? Are you willing to work on the marriage at all cost? Are you willing to walk away if you know he's uncompromising.
In God's eyes you already have a right to divorce. Adultery is being committed against you even if it's with a machine.
You're being denied for another lover
The decision is yours, Whatever you decide everyone is on your side, including God.
Marriage isn't always an easy union, even when two people have compatable needs and hopes. It looks like you and your husband have not had compatable hopes from very early in your marriage, and so you've had even more struggles.
When you look at 1 Corinthian 7, there are lines about husbands fulfilling their marital duties, as well as wives doing the same. Both people need to participate, join together to share their hopes, dreams, ambitions, plans, and sexual activity. Now, I can understand the desire to work to preserve a marriage, but this can only happen if both people are committed to doing so. We shouldn't run when there are troubles and disappointments, but we shouldn't be expected to be the only one making an effort or the only one whose hopes and dreams are addressed. My personal view is that unless both the man and the woman are committed and willing to serve their spouse then there is no true marriage.
This line from your question struck me as a little odd ';I don't believe in divorce so I stood strong.'; There are two reasons for my reaction; 1) How can you not believe in something that is clearly discussed in scripture? While it is true that Christians believe that marriage fulfills God's will to unite a man and a woman; it is also recognized that sometimes people fail. Divorce was never commanded for any transgression; but it is permitted under certain conditions. 2) Standing strong solely to avoid divorce; because you don't believe in divorce, doesn't seem like a very giving thing to do for your spouse. If the only reason you stood by your husband when you discovered his use of pornography was because you don't believe in divorce, then I have to wonder where your opportunites for healing and forgiveness would come from? It seems like you were more focused on following rules or ideals rather than joining together to solve a problem, to heal, or make the decision to stay together or not.
My heart goes out to you. You do not have an easy decsion to make. Take some time for yourself. Consider looking for some support to help you make a decision; through your Church or other counseling. Try to figure out if both you and your husband are willing and able to support each other's hopes and plans; it must be both you of you because if only one of you is willing to be giving then you are not 'one'. Figure out if you are willing to try to heal together or if it would be better to divorce....where you both share in the failure. Admitting your part in a failed marriage can help you begin to heal and hopefully try again. Divorce can be forgiven....sometimes we fail to achieve our ideals.
You can either live with all his faults , stay separated or get a divorce.
I think you should decide what is best for you and do it.
Talking to your minister could be helpful, unless his advice is irrational.
I do believe you have grounds for a divorce even from the Bibical view. The Bible even tells us, if a Christian is married and the mate DOES not wish to dwell with her, then she is free. Also the Bible says if a person looks on someone with lust in their heart , they have commited adultry already.Adultry is also in the Bible, that you could be set free. If he was into porn heavily, don't you think he fantisized a great deal((((((WHOA- adultry)))))I too hate divorce, but God does give us some freedom from our mistakes. You can't live like this. You need a home and family to be happy.Isd there a chance he may change his mind later? If he does just to please you then he may resent you later for it. It's tricky. Don't you have a Pastor to tallk to. If you are Catholic, I know they wouldn't approve of this. They don't believe in birth control anyway.If youy were married in a Catholic church then I'm sure the church would accept your marriage as OVER. In any other church, I;m sure they too would accept it. But talk to someone. You're not getting any younger and and you haven't had too much happiness from the way it sounds.
Seems to me that your differences are too great to ever have a happy relationship. To stick with the bloke just to have children would be very unfair to any kids you had,they would soon know that their father resented them.
I agree with fighting to keep a marriage going,but there has to come a time when you say 'that's it,I've tried my best' and the marriage was a massive mistake.
I'm afraid divorce would seem the only answer.
You owe it to yourself to fulfill your life as you wish,with a good bloke and nice children.
Joon, you ask, ';what can I do ?';
DO YOU NEED TO ASK THIS QUESTION?
(read the 'answer's here, and draw from what they say. There's good advice given.)
You have ';wasted'; 4 years of YOUR TIME with this ';loser';, DON'T MAKE IT ANY LONGER !
And you might think God isn't listening, but actually, I think He is.
From reading your post, He has ';blessed'; you with NOT having children WITH THIS GUY. (I see that as a BLESSING, wouldn't you?. )
(looking at this guy's 'history', what's next? CHILD PORN ? Then what will you do ?)
You say that ';you don't believe in divorce';. Let's put it this way; NO ONE GET'S MARRIED JUST TO GET ';DIVORCED'; !
';Divorce';, is simply a ';tool'; for you to use, to get yourself OUT OF THIS MESS. It's nothing more, and certainly nothing that YOU DID to cause it.
( beside's, I think, with no children, you can get your marriage annulled, as someone has already suggested.)
You certainly don't need any more 'regret' in your life, it's time to Move OUT, and move ON, and meet someone that's MORE STABLE, MORE TRUSTWORTHY.
GOOD LUCK Darlin'
you might want to get an annulment. He had a pre-existing addiction problem that was not disclosed to you before you married, and also if you give up your chance to have kids because of him, there is only years of resentment ahead for you.
Joon,
I admire you for sticking by him during this time. Divorce is terrible, but... I'd talk honestly with him and tell him if he refuses to have kids, you're going to have to divorce him, but you'd prefer to stay together. This is one of the classical ';grounds of divorce.'; You should go and have a family -- it's not a selfish, but a normal thing. The nature of love is to be fruitful -- in refusing to have kids, he is destroying whatever love was there in the first place. Maybe he doesn't realizes what this is doing to you?
From one christian to another, your husband gave you an out. If it comes to divorce, then the divorce is not your fault. The fault stands with him. It is his duty as the head the of the household to bring your security and peace of mind. Not division and stress.
Offer him the option to go through counseling or divorce. Again, its not your doing but his actions that have forced the relationship to end.
God's will for your will being and peace of mind, not to be anchored down to someone who no longer loves you.
Best of luck in your future endeavors.
God is the God of second chances and of forgiveness!!!
I do not think you have to stay with this man!! He was NOT honest- isn't honest. Life is far too short to live in a horrid situation, which can be changed.
Leave while you are young!!! GO!
My eldest daughter married at 18, totally against our admonishments! She was bull-headed and went off and married.
Sure enough, one year later, she called me and said Mom I can't take it- WHY didn't I listen to you?????
I told her honey- leave and come home! My church lady friends were cluck clucking like hens- oh she can't do that.... but I say God forgives mistakes!!!!!!!!!!!
You leave now and rebuild a GOOD life.
This jerk is trash and you need to put him out at the curb!
Why would you even CONSIDER letting him be the father of your children???
Have you thought of children as living beings or just a source of entertainment to you? They will have needs and feelings and should not be exposed to some guy who may even molest them in his quest for the sexual adventure.
Shuck him!!! Immediately....
I feel for you so much and am sorry that your dream was not realized with this man. ';This Man'; is the key phrase. I don't mean for you to discard your marriage but he has some very Serious issues that, I'm afraid, will take you down. This addiction renders a man full of fear %26amp; will affect every area of his life; you being first in line. Pornography isn't just about sex; men who delve into that have prior unresolved and difficult issues. You must love him very much but ask yourself why you're willing to suffer your life for this or any other person. Don't wait years for him to get better from this because it will also take years for him to stop lying! That's addiction too but if he's a pathological lyer, he doesn't even know when he lies. Do some research on these two defects of character and see if it's not too much of yourself to sacrifice. ';What is the ultimate power you call upon for assistance';? God, of course, but then you get in His way and come to Answers, lol. I'm not saying that's a bad thing cuz God doesn't wear a watch and we can't tell when the answer will come so you want some opinions you can lean on in the meantime! How many times have you said, ';But I Love Him';? If you can wrap your mind around this...don't use this as a basis for giving up your own life and dreams because I'll bet this guy will not be a good father either!! I'll say a prayer for you and if you wanna talk some more, email me. God bless you!
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